Changing to Save a Marriage

Many people say that people never change; nothing could be further from the truth. As animals we are influenced by our environment and are constantly reshaping our behavior. In fact, when people don’t change, a marriage tends to grow stale and you find yourselves stuck in a rut. However, change is hard and not always well received.

Change is perhaps easiest when facilitated by a neutral third party such as a counselor or mediator. They can offer insight devoid of the emotionality experienced by those in the marriage. It is also useful for each partner to have a person who can work with them privately. There are several catalysts for change, the most common are:

Behavioral-Cognitive Therapy

This therapy focuses on the actual behaviors and their reinforcement components. It does not focus on “deeper issues” it simply tries to find the stimulus, reaction, and factors that can be manipulated to change the behavior. For example, if you are an alcoholic, the behavioral model would probably include Antabuse but they would not try to find an oral fixation from childhood or a removed ultimate cause.

Psychoanalytical Therapy

This therapy focuses on underlying causes for behavior that are often mental in nature. Talking is a large part of the therapy and focusing on previous events to explain behavior is common such as childhood experiences.

Specialized teaching events and experiences

Seminars, retreats, learning vacations, etc… are al forms of this. Usually these are intensive experiences that are reinforced over a short period of time. However, it usually happens in a new environment making us more open to learning and starting new behaviors. These can be a very powerful experience for the couple but be sure to communicate with your partner about goals before you start searching for the right experience.

As mentioned earlier, mediation is key. If you are not comfortable going to a therapist you may want to try looking for a mediator through the church, a social service agency, or your local mediation center. The goal for mediation is to find a compromise in the troubled behavioral situation that will be mutually beneficial to the participant. Mediation does not try to blame one party or another and will give equal time to both parties. They will help you negotiate an agreement and may even follow up to make sure the solution is successful.

As with any change, be patient. No matter what method you use, expect the journey to be long. However, the dividends are remarkable. You should also know that when extinguishing a behavior and starting a new, a relapse of old behavior is expected. Psychologists call the “spontaneous recovery”. This is normal so if you or your spouse falls back into an old behavior, correct it but don’t beat each other up over it. This will only work against you and cause more behaviors that will need to be changed. For any of the above methods to work, most parties must be committed to change and recognize the problem. Both parties must also be willing to take responsibility for change. Too often, couples believe that another person will ‘take their side’ but all problems have two sides and real change comes from working with both.

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